Kat Climbs Mountains

Do you believe in soul mates? Is it actually possible that one person can fulfill every need and desire that you have?

I used to believe this. I would check off things in my head, thinking along the way “he is perfect”. I put the hope and faith of my future in one person, thinking all my dreams were coming true. This I have done enough times to realize that we can believe this fairytale in anyone if we allow ourselves.

Anyone we decide is the one for us, can be. Anyone we want to connect with, we can. This is something we think we don’t have control over. We think it is our heart leading the way, but it is our minds. We make the choice to believe these things. We decide yes or no.

The next time you believe that you have lost your one true love, the one you believed was everything you ever needed or wanted, remember that you created that idea and it can be created again.

Some may seem to fulfill more of your desires as a lover than others, but everyone has their own things that make them special. You can even find the same positive things you like in one person, in another as well.

There are 7.6 billion people in the world. Don’t let all your hope be put in one. There’s so much more connecting left to do.

 

This path is not easy. The waiting. The unknown ahead. The doubt.

At first It all seemed so clear. Have faith, live right and everything will turn out okay, right? But when? How long will it take? How many times will you fail along the way? If you do fail, is that it?

In the beginning of this journey I was overflowing with hope and joy. I was thankful for my new opportunity to live life the way God intended. I was excited about what was to come.

 After a while it slowly started to fade, the light in my heart began to dim again.

I became discouraged over this lack of fulfillment and without even realizing, began seeking it elsewhere. I was drawn to anything that brought excitement and adrenaline. As I made more and more decisions with the mindset of “just this once” or “I won’t go too far” the bond between God and I was slipping away. The joy I was receiving from worldly satisfaction was clouding my true emotions and before I knew it, I was becoming the same old person I once was. The person that walked a dark path for many years due to destructive choices.

So, now what? Is this the end? Am I truly destined for this life? After so many attempts at change only to find myself back at the bottom. The lies in my head that this is the only possible ending became so loud it’s all that is heard.

“And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.” Philippians 1:6

I am holding this verse close to my heart today as the feelings of failure rush over me. The desire to give up and resort to old habits has a firm grip on my soul.

But it’s not over yet. I am still here. I will keep failing, but I will keep getting back up. However many times it takes, I will keep going.

The past few months have been a rollercoaster of emotions.

Some days I feel on top of the world. Other days I feel alone and worthless.

I have had moments of gratitude and joyfulness for my new life, and moments of shame and regret for my past.

I have laughed in ways I forgot were possible, and cried enough tears to fill a stream.

In my moments of joy I feel hope for the future in the ways my past never allowed.

When the sadness rolls in it feels as though failure has hit and the battle is being lost.

But when those tears dry up and that hope shines through stronger than before, I know the battle is being won.

I am mourning my past and dreaming of my future.

My future is bright and my past is dim.

When those lonely nights come, I know now they will fade.

For God is with me and I will not fail.

And through this trial when my heart does not know what to feel, I will choose to hold on tight to the possibilities. The idea of life in the purest, happiest form. The path where my heart is healed and my past was only a route taken to the promises clenched deep in my soul.

I let go of the darkness moment by moment, day by day. The sorrow slips away little by little, making way for the light.

 

 

It felt as though every person in my life I had considered a friend in the past two years just vanished. It was like I was written off and erased. I spent a year very close to some people, people that I saw every day. These “friends” didn’t even bother to ask me how I was afterward. No one checked up on me. No one continued to talk to me. I was just gone and it was as if I never existed.

I felt humiliated, hated and betrayed by everyone that was connected to him. I felt rejected and forgotten by people from our world. But why do I even care? I spent a long time trying to conform to the ways of their world. I pretended to like things that I had no care for. I ignored things that I was strongly against. I thought this was my only option. I thought I was doing it all for love.

It’s hard when you don’t really matter to people anymore. When people you thought would be there forever walk away as soon as things get tough. Those people are doing you a favor. Tough times weed out the fake people in your life and make way for the real ones. The ones that are meant to be there.

Some days I woke up angry. My heart felt so heavy from the betrayal by not one, but by several people. I know my worth is not in them, but it still hurt.

A huge part of me wants to hate. I want to hate them all so deeply and scream at the top of my lungs. I want them to feel the pain they made me feel.

Another part of me is grateful that I am no longer surrounded by these people, because if our friendship was real then things would be different.

And part of me mourns these people because I would have loved them. I did love them. Satan tells me it was me. It was my fault they don’t want me. How could it not be when there are so many of them and only one of me?

I wish to take with me not the anger, not the sadness or grief but the lessons learned about choosing who I allow close to me. I was desperate for love and acceptance but found only temporary satisfaction in people only capable of temporary love.

Meanwhile, there is a life plan blossoming with my name on it. There is a life that is overflowing with the things that I truly care for and believe in. There is the kind of love I would recognize and cherish. There are people who will love and cherish me.

“Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” Proverbs 4:23

I have sincerely struggled through this break up. I was devastated, humiliated, betrayed and hurt so deeply.

A while back I knew our relationship wasn’t right. I asked God to show me if we were supposed to be together and to allow the separation if not. Half-heartedly I probably didn’t really want that to happen. I didn’t want to lose him or the memories we had created.

So when the time came and God answered my prayer, I refused to accept it. I couldn’t handle the truth. The truth that my relationship with this guy caused a divider between God and I. My hope was in this guy instead of God.

I made a fool out of myself trying to convince him to change his mind. I spent weeks trying to understand how someone could do something like this. I tried to get answers but nothing really helped. I was consumed by memories and what ifs. What if I had tried harder? Or loved deeper? Accepted more? I tortured myself with these ideas and questions. I was angry at him for doing this to me. Part of me was angry at God for putting me through this pain.

As I reminisced on the good times and the bad, I realized that the bad were actually pretty terrible and the good wasn’t really that great. I just did not want to move on, start over. I thought that my future was killed when my past was. I didn’t realize at the time that God was making way for my real future. The future I kept putting on hold while I made different arrangements for myself.

All I have ever wanted was a husband. My heart has craved this since I was a child. Unconditional, beautiful and pure love with a man. I believe God put this on my heart for a reason. I believe there is a man out there that God is preparing for me.

This is not something I always believed as I have had the tendency to pick my own guy without any help from God. I wonder why it hasn’t worked out?

I pray for peace today as I give this issue to God. I have failed time and time again while waiting on his answers and promises to be fulfilled. I pray for strength during this time when I have no idea what is going to happen and I have no control. I surrender.

Recently my boyfriend, that I had been living with for a year, left me.  I always believed in God but I never fully gave my life to him. There were times here and there in my life when I did, but I always ended up falling back into sinful habits. Hence why I was living with my boyfriend.

I was so alone and vulnerable when I met him. I was so broken and full of darkness. I was so desperate to find “love” to fill the gap in my heart and that’s what I tried to do. What I didn’t know at the time is that God saw my heart. He saw the fragile state it was in and the agony it felt every day. I had no idea that he had a plan to provide me with the tools and path for it to be fully healed, so I decided to do it my own way.

I went down a very dark road for a few months. I took part in things that I don’t believe in. I just wanted to fit in and be accepted after being alone for so long. I spent many nights crying out for forgiveness only to find myself falling into the same sinful acts the next day. It became my life. I didn’t know anything else.

I have lost many friends and had multiple relationships fail. Every single time I am left picking up the broken pieces of my heart. There were times when I thought I was giving my problems to God, except I had my own idea of what the solution should be. When things didn’t move when I thought they should or how I thought they should, I would take my own way.

I wish I knew back then it wouldn’t ever work out. If I had just let go I would have saved myself so much despair. This time will be different. God is guiding me home and I am following right behind him.

Today I have decided to begin my journey of chasing God and God only.

I have spent years chasing men, friends, jobs and entertainment. This has broken me down time and time again and I never could figure out why the dark times kept coming. I would obey God for a short time and wonder why I wasn’t receiving the things that my heart longed for. I know now that it’s because my heart was longing for the wrong things. I searched for acceptance from people when all along I only needed it from God. I was terrified to lose friends or boyfriends in fear of feeling alone and unworthy.

So I am taking the step and running full speed ahead into the arms of the Lord and never looking back again. I will not let the sorrow of my past hold me back but rather find peace in the future.

 

“For I am about to do something new.” Isaiah 43:19