I have sincerely struggled through this break up. I was devastated, humiliated, betrayed and hurt so deeply.

A while back I knew our relationship wasn’t right. I asked God to show me if we were supposed to be together and to allow the separation if not. Half-heartedly I probably didn’t really want that to happen. I didn’t want to lose him or the memories we had created.

So when the time came and God answered my prayer, I refused to accept it. I couldn’t handle the truth. The truth that my relationship with this guy caused a divider between God and I. My hope was in this guy instead of God.

I made a fool out of myself trying to convince him to change his mind. I spent weeks trying to understand how someone could do something like this. I tried to get answers but nothing really helped. I was consumed by memories and what ifs. What if I had tried harder? Or loved deeper? Accepted more? I tortured myself with these ideas and questions. I was angry at him for doing this to me. Part of me was angry at God for putting me through this pain.

As I reminisced on the good times and the bad, I realized that the bad were actually pretty terrible and the good wasn’t really that great. I just did not want to move on, start over. I thought that my future was killed when my past was. I didn’t realize at the time that God was making way for my real future. The future I kept putting on hold while I made different arrangements for myself.

All I have ever wanted was a husband. My heart has craved this since I was a child. Unconditional, beautiful and pure love with a man. I believe God put this on my heart for a reason. I believe there is a man out there that God is preparing for me.

This is not something I always believed as I have had the tendency to pick my own guy without any help from God. I wonder why it hasn’t worked out?

I pray for peace today as I give this issue to God. I have failed time and time again while waiting on his answers and promises to be fulfilled. I pray for strength during this time when I have no idea what is going to happen and I have no control. I surrender.